Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
