I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think my moral compass just broke
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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