3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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