You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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