I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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