stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
