FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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