So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
