i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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