I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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