apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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