This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
