you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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