remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
