I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize