You made me cry and you don't even care
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
