I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
