The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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