She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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