He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
