Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
