Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
