if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
