was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
