Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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