My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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