we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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