I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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