I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
