I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And then he peed in my hair
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
