The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
