and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
