Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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