8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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