mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
