1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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