Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
