i need an iv and a liver transplant
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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