Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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