I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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