he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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