id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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