This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
