Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
