Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
