i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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