Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
