Fine. I'll sleep in my office
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
