I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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