I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
