i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
