I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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