I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
