i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
