i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
