careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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