I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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