so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
